Scientists have discovered one thing that can help us live longer, happier, and healthier lives. It’s not getting your steps in, eating a variety of vegetables, or always clocking eight hours of sleep (though none of those are bad ideas!). According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the quality of our relationships—friendships, family, and romantic partnerships—has a profound effect on both our physical and mental well-being.
Those findings are part of what inspires Tom Su, PhD, to help couples and families as a licensed marriage and family therapist. Su is also a clinical assistant professor in CU Denver’s master of arts in couple and family therapy program, where he trains future therapists on how to do the same.
He’s seen countless relationships thrive—or fall apart. So, we turned to Su for an answer to the question: What can we do to foster better relationships in our lives? Read on for three of his top tips.
1. Manage Your Expectations
Some relationships are closer than others, and that’s OK. “When you meet with a new friend, your expectation is different compared to someone that you’ve already been friends with for 20 years, right?” Su said. Learning to keep that in mind when interacting in different relationships is important, so we can show up in a way that is authentic and appropriate to the depth of the connection.
2. Check In—Even When Things Are Great
Relationship check-ins are conversations in which you talk about how things are going in the relationship, or any major updates in your life. They can feel most natural to do in a romantic partnership, but this technique can be used in close friendships and family relationships, too. “It may feel strange when you do it the first time,” Su said. But, just like anything, it’s a skill that gets easier with practice. “I think if you do it more frequently, it invites more reflections, more honesty, and it can actually bring people closer,” Su said.
3. Be Intentional About Good Communication
For Su, being a good communicator comes down to two important things: sharing honestly and listening actively. “[In a healthy relationship], people can speak to their true feelings and thoughts in a way that is inviting people to reflect on them,” Su said. That means being both authentic and kind in the things you say, and it might mean challenging yourself to open up more. When it’s your time to listen, give your counterpart your full attention and space to share. It can help to also reflect back to them what you heard them say in your own words, to show them you’re listening, and clarify anything you might have misunderstood. “It’s a back-and-forth conversation,” Su said. “Both are present.”
No matter how you choose to tend to your relationships—or if the most valuable relationships to you right now are with friends, family, or a romantic partner—they are all important. “Relationships matter,” Su said. “They’re all very meaningful to our life.”